The World Without Condoms
“What’s that?” Billy asked, staring through the glass at a horrifying purple monstrosity.
“I dunno,” his husband Chet replied, turning his head to the side as if viewing from a different angle would make more sense. “Ancient sea creature, maybe?” He tapped the glass with his forefinger, pulling it back immediately when zapped by a low-level current.
“Keep your hands away from the display,” a metallic voice admonished.
Billy scowled. “You can clean ‘em up but you can’t take ‘em anywhere.”
“Sorry,” Chet whimpered, cradling the injured digit to his chest.
“This isn’t a ball game, it’s a museum. Can’t you behave for one afternoon?”
Sorrowful eyes met Billy’s. “No?”
Billy grinned. “Don’t worry, babe. I like that about you.” He leaned in and kissed Chet’s forehead. “Just no more touching, okay?”
Chet nodded, eyes returning to the object on display. “Alien life form?”
“No, they keep those on the seventh floor. Hmm…” Billy leafed through his museum guide, looking for the right page.
A young couple with a small child stepped up beside them. The boy, who was no older than five, began to shriek, “Monster, Mommy, monster!” hiding behind the woman’s skirts.
“Let’s go, Jim,” she hissed to the tall man with her. “It’s scaring Junior.”
Chet knew just how Junior felt. The longer he stared, the more his own fear grew. The object was about eight inches long, somewhat flesh colored, if said flesh had been deprived of blood for awhile, with a series of nubby protrusions on the top. While Billy studied the book in his hands, Chet circled the pedestal, eyes coming to rest on a brass placard that read, “Condom, circa 2010.” His eyes grew wide and his breathing erratic. “Uhh…Billy?”
“Not now, Chet, I’m reading!”
“You really need to see this, hon,” Chet insisted.
“Oh, all right!” Billy huffed as he came to stand next to Chet. His eyes found the sign.
“They used to…”
Billy and Chet turned horrified eyes to each other. “If you ever…”
“Wouldn’t dream of it…”
Finally, realizing the child had the right idea, they both screamed, “Monster!” and fled to the relative safety of the alien display on the seventh floor.
Frank, the new janitor from Alpha Centauri, yawned and stretched. “Oh, what a lovely nap,” he said, climbing down from the display stand and replacing the soft pliable rubber object that normally rested there. He rubbed up against the glass, shivering at the tingle. Finally, he lifted the edge of the glass, muttering, “Yeah, yeah, yadda yadda,” when the warning voice triggered. Feeling refreshed from his recent slumber, he sauntered off across the polished marble floor. “Hmm…I wonder what I can get up to on the seventh floor…”